In case you missed it, I recently wrote about how I advertise the fact that I’m a fast pedestrian on OkCupid because it seems like the least douche-y option for my “I’m Really Good At” section. But then just for ha-ha’s I went on this whole tangent about what I’d put in that section if I were a total douche canoe, and it was kind of the best thing ever.
I mean, this:
Became this:
I don’t know what this says about me as a person, but coming up with that second one was actually the most fun I’ve had in about a fortnight. And so with that in mind, I thought it’d be awesome and probably a little revelatory to sarcastically remake my entire profile in the voice of the Biggest Dick Ever* as part of an imaginary game show I just made up in my head called If I Were a Douche.
Shit. I just realized I got so carried away with all the O’s that I forgot the U in “Douche.” I’d fix it, but lately I’ve been trying to do this thing where I embrace my imperfections. (Thank you, ekgo.)
So here we go.
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Me: 
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Shit. Did I just learn something new about myself?
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Wow. I’m never starting a sentence with the word “also” in a dating profile ever again.
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Okay, Me as the Biggest Dick Ever* is getting kind of annoying – and also a little nonsensical. Chimneys? WTF?
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
Listen, Me as the Biggest Dick Ever,* you can stop filling out this profile at any time. No one is forcing you to carry this task out to completion. Also, did you just ridicule my entire career as a blogger?
Me:
Me as the Biggest Dick Ever*:
OMG but seriously, remember the AOL-butt?
—
*I realize that, if taken out of context, the name “Biggest Dick Ever” takes on a whole other meaning. So I thought that I should asterisk it every single time it came up in this post. Just so you know that I know.
